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Tuesday
Jun062017

Work/Life Balance 

The last time I was unemployed I had all these plans to work on all of these projects, and before I even had a chance to catch my breath, I had a new job that I loved and the projects go put on the back burner. 

I spent a year and a half in that position and, while it had its ups and downs, it was at its heart a job that I really enjoyed and into which I willingly poured my creative energy. I was generally doing what I wanted, but personal projects fell to the wayside, and I have spent at least the last year, if not longer, attempting to regain my personal creative momentum. 

So now I am with nothing but time on my hands and passion projects I want to pursue and I find myself stumped and struggling, and life getting in the way. I don't know the source of my blockage, or if there is even just one root of my creative constipation. I am, unsurprisingly, depressed and stressed. The weather is hot. And people around me interfere with clockwork regularity. 

But so does life. There's always something that needs doing, isn't there? Long-planned events that just aren't conducive to pulling out a sketchbook no matter how much I plan otherwise. Post-camping loads of laundry to do and thank you brownies to bake for my roommate. Keeping to a workout schedule. And spending time with my friends. 

My friends are persistant. I tried to stave one off a couple weeks ago by telling her I had projects I needed to work on and she told me that my self-imposed schedule should have time for friends or I was doing something wrong. 

I've been trying to decide if she's right. I tout balance in all things and consider it the healthy and correct choice...but I am deeply bad at achieving it myself. I tend to run headlong all or nothing into everything. And the thing about art is that i feel like...someone absolutely CAN succeed with it as only one of their mistresses but I don't think that everyone can and I fear that without that level of dedication to my passion I will slide into an everlasting pit of mediocrity. So, I become the person that bitches about having people in their life that care about them and want to spend time together. Which feels deeply douchey. 

This is another tangled mess in my mind that I am working on working out for myself and I don't have any answers or resolutions. I just know that...I don't spend the time and passion on my art that I did a few years ago but I don't know how much of that is distractions that have crept in and how much is ...well, I pretty much assume that at some point it will absolutely come to light that i never had any talent to begin with and any creativity that I accidentially expressed is gone. 

In conclusion? I am, was, and ever will be, a hot mess.

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