We survived 2015

2015 is officially over. (GOOD)

At least by our calendar on this planet in this place. 

I really got off track with my weekly posts over the past couple months but mannnn has it been a hectic couple of months. 

However, now it's January, the holidays are over, I've had a while to acclimate to my job, and I plan to regain focus. 

I don't think I really have anything to show in this post -- I mean, I have some things I WANT to show/post, but I haven't organized them in my brain or this post so I don't think I'll be posting any pictures. I mean, I thought about holding off until I'd sorted everything out but that is the path to endless procrastination, am I right? I think that one of the easiest traps to fall into is the 'I'm not yet ready for this challenge so I'm going to wait until I'm really prepared' trap. Okay and yes, waxing a little philosophical regarding delayed journal posts but I feel that it applies on a small scale as well as a large one. And a lot of times the smaller things are building blocks for the bigger things, like, 'well, I need to work on this project but first I need to make sure my supplies are organized and before I do that I need some desk organizing stuff from the office store and I can't go get that stuff yet because my car is dirty and I want to clean it before I take it anywhere and I can't clean it yet because I don't know where the upholstery cleaning attachment for the vacuum is.'

Or perhaps, in a more immediately personally relevant example, 'well, I need to work on this big project that I've been planning but first I want to do some sketches and before that I should really do some studies and before that I should watch some sketchbook videos for inspiration and before that I should really update my website journal but I want to post some art there and I need to figure out what I want to post and I don't really have anything new, maybe I should do some new sketches/work more on the illustration I'm doing FIRST..'

You see. 

But I decided that instead of nattering, I would go ahead and just post. 

(though I don't have a lot to share, I HAVE had the opportunity to work on some cool projects recently that I will share soon. But not tonight.)

And i think, since we just started a new year, maybe I should do a little of an overview of 2015 and all the things that passed through it or that I passed as I went through it. 

I didn't get a lot of art done at the start of the year because I was pretty occupied with getting my heart broken, and it takes a while to find the joy after that. I've tried channeling misery into my drawings and it never quite comes out right -- I always end up with something that looks like it's out of an emo 14 year old's wall. It makes mockery of my pain and the fact that I made it and am making the mockery well, it's just a vicious cycle.  Actually, I looked back through my deviant art for this year and that's not quite true -- I made a couple cathartic things that actually...sort of worked and that I kind of like a lot. BUT I was pretty depressed and well, depression =/= motivation. So I spent most of the winter just trying to piece myself back together and not creating much. But I did acquire my apartment and my sweet little sister of a roommate.

In the spring I took an active role in trying to get out of the job I hated by applying to be the lead artist at a different store -- something for which my manager was apparently supposed to help and guidance but which I went into pretty blind. And may have mentioned genocide in my interview though they claim that's NOT the reason I didn't get the job. I started my redbubble and society6 stores. (Have I mentioned that sometimes people buy stuff from them?! Like...NOT people I KNOW. People Elsewhere.)

With summer came Heartbreak: The Reckoning and that was pretty awful. But with summer also came work on Crissi Dillon's book cover and that was pretty awesome. Also came sweltering heat for which my unairconditioned Californa apartment was ill-equipped. But so did a book on channeling my creative self into creativity or whatever and as much as it is a woowoo self-help semi-spiritual book, it really did a lot for me regaining my focus and taking a step back from some aspects of my interpersonal relationships that were things I was allowing to take up my time rather than working on art. I seriously love waking up and writing three (if I wake up in a timely fashion) pages every morning. I was somewhat nervous, but I can honestly say that starting the day by clearing out the mental cobwebs and smearing them on a page is very...centering. 

Then autumn arrived and brought, as autumn does, change. But first it brought...more sweltering heat. Yeah, I absolutely have to buy an air conditioner before this summer. And in the middle of that sweltering, as summer ended, I lost my job and that was ...honestly not a tragedy even in the moment because I knew it wasn't personal and I HATED that job. And they gave me severance so I wasn't mentally calculating how long it would be before I had to start turning tricks to make rent. I figured that I had projects I wanted to pursue and MAN I was going to pursue the HELL out of them. And then, before I had really even settled properly into unemployment...I got a new job. A job at which I am doing the work that I went to school to learn. A job at which I am paid well and have a desk and can just put on my headphones and work all day and that is FINE. 

A job at which I am prepetually terrified that they are going to decide I am a total fraud and send me packing. (I spent part of last week working on laying out a media kit in InDesign and I haven't done something like that since school and I really spent most of the project feeling like this: 

...and look at that, I even added a picture.) 

The last couple months, well, I've been acclimating to having a proper adult schedule and to setting for myself a structured schedule around it because my brain really stays happiest when I have a plan.

I also spent a lot of time with and taking care of my cat, who was diagnosed with renal failure at the end of the summer and with lymphoma in December. A lot of my focus and energy was willingly given to her in her last couple months. It still feels strange not to hurry home in the evening to make sure to separate her from my other cat to feed her. Stranger not having her curl up against my belly to sleep at night. 

And now, I move forward into the new year with new and on hold projects I want to tackle, with that stupid Ophelia painting I STILL want to try to go back and fix, with at least a PLAN of being more focused, and inspiration and adventures to seek. 

And now the year, at least as we see it, turns and though it is all just an illusion we give ourselves to organize our linear time stream, we have a new chance at everything. And even though I know that January first is, in the mind of the universe, no more relevant than December 31st, or...August 9th, it still FEELS like a fresh start and fills me with unwarranted optimism. 

Happy New Year, world that follows the same calender that I do! I hope that no matter how great or terrible 2015 was for you, 2016 is better.