Sunday, July 9, 2017 at 05:16PM The weather is warm, I've been going to the beach a lot and so I wanted to share this doodle I colored to remind you all to stay safe and vigilant about the dangers of the ocean. Like sea monsters.
Tuesday, July 4, 2017 at 04:51PM So there haven't been any journal updates lately but, as a change of pace, it is not due to the usual combination of neglect, distraction, and guilt that so often are the cause of extensive gaps in details about my fascinating life as an artist.
I've been staring at my computer too long and I need more coffee. I'm not articulate right now.
But my journal has been lacking updates, because the whole darn website has been getting updated. Since I hadn't made any substantial changes to the design/layout/etc. since I first put PersephoneRaven up in 2011, it was time for a fresh take.
We are still under construction but I'm doing my best to keep dust to a minimum. Mind the gap, wear a hard hat, and be prepared for the slightly different things that will soon meet your eyes!
Tuesday, June 6, 2017 at 12:55AM The last time I was unemployed I had all these plans to work on all of these projects, and before I even had a chance to catch my breath, I had a new job that I loved and the projects go put on the back burner.
I spent a year and a half in that position and, while it had its ups and downs, it was at its heart a job that I really enjoyed and into which I willingly poured my creative energy. I was generally doing what I wanted, but personal projects fell to the wayside, and I have spent at least the last year, if not longer, attempting to regain my personal creative momentum.
So now I am with nothing but time on my hands and passion projects I want to pursue and I find myself stumped and struggling, and life getting in the way. I don't know the source of my blockage, or if there is even just one root of my creative constipation. I am, unsurprisingly, depressed and stressed. The weather is hot. And people around me interfere with clockwork regularity.
But so does life. There's always something that needs doing, isn't there? Long-planned events that just aren't conducive to pulling out a sketchbook no matter how much I plan otherwise. Post-camping loads of laundry to do and thank you brownies to bake for my roommate. Keeping to a workout schedule. And spending time with my friends.
My friends are persistant. I tried to stave one off a couple weeks ago by telling her I had projects I needed to work on and she told me that my self-imposed schedule should have time for friends or I was doing something wrong.
I've been trying to decide if she's right. I tout balance in all things and consider it the healthy and correct choice...but I am deeply bad at achieving it myself. I tend to run headlong all or nothing into everything. And the thing about art is that i feel like...someone absolutely CAN succeed with it as only one of their mistresses but I don't think that everyone can and I fear that without that level of dedication to my passion I will slide into an everlasting pit of mediocrity. So, I become the person that bitches about having people in their life that care about them and want to spend time together. Which feels deeply douchey.
This is another tangled mess in my mind that I am working on working out for myself and I don't have any answers or resolutions. I just know that...I don't spend the time and passion on my art that I did a few years ago but I don't know how much of that is distractions that have crept in and how much is ...well, I pretty much assume that at some point it will absolutely come to light that i never had any talent to begin with and any creativity that I accidentially expressed is gone.
In conclusion? I am, was, and ever will be, a hot mess.
Thursday, May 25, 2017 at 07:57PM This week went not entirely as planned, due to an outbreak of influenza running rampant in Sonoma County.
At least the weather has been cooler than this past weekend, for the most part. Being sick in 90+ degree weather is exponentially more miserable than it has a right to be.
I've been struggling a little this week and trying to figure out to what I should attribute my exhaustion and lack of motivation. One of those burning questions that us non-neurotypicals face: "Am I still sick or am I low on energy because I'm sad?" On the one hand, the act of folding my laundry yesterday drained me to the point that putting it away was beyond me until I had to move it off my bed before i went to sleep, and that was absolutely a result of not being past this flu yet. But the fact that I've skipped writing my morning pages all week speaks to a different lack of motivation.
I have accepted it and given myself permission to take the week off. I'm sick. I have a lot on my plate and am working on what I can.
I saw a post on tumblr today about people who say "I don't have time to be depressed," and what a harmful load of crap that is. I not only passed it on, but added a paragraph of vehement agreement to its tail. I heard that pronouncement myself many times in younger years and it makes me feel like I am failing every time the chemicals in my brain fail me, leading to a vicious circle of self-loathing and despair that is hard to fight past.
I don't have time to be depressed either. But that's not generally something that depression actually cares about.
What I do have is a full utility belt of coping mechanisms and tools at my disposal, built and scavenged through years of experience. I have a growing understanding of how to do what I can, and not feel as bad about the things that I can't.
This was meant to be a tangent about how emotional disorders seem to disproportionately effect creatives and what that means for our art and that it doesn't, despite common stereotypes, make our art better to be sad, and about chicken/egg issues regarding depression and creativity but things got sidetracked. And many people that aren't me have said it before.
But my point is that I have been finding ways of fighting past the lack of motivation that my brain has dumped on me towards working on things. Not working on big things, or anything that I'm deeply proud of or excited about, but following the advice of Lin-Manuel Miranda and keeping the tools sharp for when inspiration DOES arrive.
Wednesday, May 17, 2017 at 06:19PM I haven't posted anything new in a while.
That's not a rarity for me.
Part of it is the usual storm of procrastination that sweeps everything to the wayside.
But also
I've been working on...I think the best way to put it is perhaps...attempting to regain my creative direction. I haven't known what I was doing. I need something to fan the flames of my passion. I've been depressed and directionless. I have big ideas but they are so big that they become daunting. So I try to work around their edges and look at them slantwise and hope that's enough to gain the momentum I need. And, unsurprisingly, it hasn't been.
So.
Sometimes when you feel lost, the only thing you can do is just choose a direction and start walking.
This is me putting on my hiking boots.
