Just Keep Swimming

This week went not entirely as planned, due to an outbreak of influenza running rampant in Sonoma County. 

At least the weather has been cooler than this past weekend, for the most part. Being sick in 90+ degree weather is exponentially more miserable than it has a right to be.

I've been struggling a little this week and trying to figure out to what I should attribute my exhaustion and lack of motivation. One of those burning questions that us non-neurotypicals face: "Am I still sick or am I low on energy because I'm sad?" On the one hand,  the act of folding my laundry yesterday drained me to the point that putting it away was beyond me until I had to move it off my bed before i went to sleep, and that was absolutely a result of not being past this flu yet. But the fact that I've skipped writing my morning pages all week speaks to a different lack of motivation. 

I have accepted it and given myself permission to take the week off. I'm sick. I have a lot on my plate and am working on what I can. 

I saw a post on tumblr today about people who say "I don't have time to be depressed," and what a harmful load of crap that is. I not only passed it on, but added a paragraph of vehement agreement to its tail. I heard that pronouncement myself many times in younger years and it makes me feel like I am failing every time the chemicals in my brain fail me, leading to a vicious circle of self-loathing and despair that is hard to fight past. 

I don't have time to be depressed either. But that's not generally something that depression actually cares about. 

What I do have is a full utility belt of coping mechanisms and tools at my disposal, built and scavenged through years of experience. I have a growing understanding of how to do what I can, and not feel as bad about the things that I can't. 

This was meant to be a tangent about how emotional disorders seem to disproportionately effect creatives and what that means for our art and that it doesn't, despite common stereotypes, make our art better to be sad, and about chicken/egg issues regarding depression and creativity but things got sidetracked. And many people that aren't me have said it before. 

But my point is that I have been finding ways of fighting past the lack of motivation that my brain has dumped on me towards working on things. Not working on big things, or anything that I'm deeply proud of or excited about, but following the advice of Lin-Manuel Miranda and keeping the tools sharp for when inspiration DOES arrive.